My husband and I were unbelievers when we first married 18 years ago. We drank more than we should, experimented with drugs and learned how to make love outside of a godly example. Four years ago we met Jesus through a dear older neighbor and friend. We are so thankful that Jesus has washed us clean with His blood. We are growing in our faith. We are trying to look to God for His stance on issues and not trust our old views, but in the area of sex we have reached an impasse. We have tried to make love like we think Christians do, but often give into old behaviors. We now have this worry every time we have sex that we have disappointed God. We don’t want to dishonor our bodies, God or stick our tongue out at all Jesus has done for us, but we are unsure what is allowable and what is forbidden. Please help us. We have asked older Christians in our adult Sunday School class and we were looked at like we had three heads! We will not make that mistake again. We both read your blog and would appreciate your anonymous advice.
Welcome to the family of God, my new friends! I am so glad you have found Jesus and that you desire to honor Him in every area of your life. I appreciate your question and that you are examining your old points of view on many topics. I apologize for the people in your Sunday School class too. The church doesn’t do a great job educating believers on sex, and many Christians whom I have met have no idea that God approves of sex, much less that He encourages us to enjoy it in marriage😊!A conversation about sex in the context of a community of believers should not be taboo. I know sex is an important marriage topic, and to see sex through God’s eyes is a game changer as well!Thank you for reading my blog and trusting me with your question.
First, you both must remember that sex is God’s idea and all of His ideas are good(Genesis 2:25).God intends for sex in marriage to be loving, exciting, intimate, and never dull. The world has corrupted the beauty of sex with its over solicitous portrayal and its promotion of forbidden liaisons. The world encourages the use of sex as a means to impress another person, meet self-centered sexual needs and, at times,as a tool to gaincontrol or conquer. Many people are like you in that they had sex before they met God or learned about sex from only a worldly perspective. So, this is a great question.
Let’s start by examining the heart of sex and how it is reflectedin your marriage.
Are you using sex as self-serving pleasure or as an expression of love for your spouse?With God, it always comes down to the heart or the motive behind our action. God is love, so as believers, we must make love our motive. This is true in marriage, and especially true in sexual matters. Nothing Godcreates would ever cause shame, be embarrassing or cause anyone pain, either emotionally or physically. Learning to express the love we feel for our spouse through our bodiesshould be our goal.
Test each bedroom activity that you are questioning by asking this question: How does this activity look when seen through the lens of a Godly love (1st Corinthians, Chapter 13)? Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it is not proud, it does not dishonor others, it does not seek its own way, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. These are but a few of the many attributes of a godly love. We serve a very detail-oriented God, but on a couple of issues, He is quiet. He expects us to know His character, and because of this, He does not find it necessary to give us detailed instructions for every aspect of life. As an example, God does not give marriages detailed instruction for the division of labor in a home. Who cooks, cleans or mows the grass is totally discretionary. The wise couple looks at the giftingsthat God has put inside each other and makes assignments of tasks according to those giftings. This thought process can be applied to thebedroom activities you fear may “not please God.” God does not list every body part that can be caressed, kissed or used in lovemaking. He allows our creativity to lead the way, as long that creativity remains in line with His definition of love – that it is patient, kind, not proud, etc. If you haven’t yet done so, read the Song of Solomon and ask God’s Spirit to reveal to you the symbolism He put in this book.
Your questionsubtly implies that there is only one way to have “godly sex.”I do not believe this to be true. The world screams that sex between a husband and wife is humdrum, passionless and a real snooze. Don’t believe it! Loving sex between a husband and his wife where bothdo not try to impress or get selfish fulfillment, but instead try please each other is anything but dull. God designed sex to knock your socks off! And when this happens, do not assume you did something wrong. Instead, realize how much your Heavenly Father loves you. God did not only make sex utilitarian; He also created it to be over the top delicious! So,and to answer your question, if your lovemaking has the right motive, and if both of you are pleased and feel wrapped in an intimate embrace, God approves. Carry on, new believers! Be creative!
Now,I want to take a moment to briefly touch on the other part of your letter. I am not legalistic, but I feel compelled to saythis: anything illegal would not be a part of God’s plan for your marriage bed. So, simply no drugs. But having said that,do not assume God forbids alcohol. Spend some of your own time investigating what scripture says about alcohol, and then allow the Holy Spirit to convict you and your husband of your personal position on this topic (Psalms 119:105).As for me, I believe a position on alcohol can be different for different believers, and can be a more “open handed” position than what is held by some more conservative believers.
I trust the living spirit of God inside you both to make the right decision for each moment in your life in the bedroom, on the job, in your church, and in your community.I encourage you to seek God’s will through a study of His word, prayer, listening to His spirit, and through conversation with a community of Believers(Hebrews 13:20-21). And today, I am pleased to be a part of your journey and among your circle of friends.
Stay washed in the word and keep chasing after Jesus together, my brother and sister! I am honored that you read the blog. Love each other well!
“Rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated in her love (Proverbs 5:18-19).”